Rating the IQ of the Gods: Greek Mythology

Humans have worshipped gods for thousands of years. But actually read the myths line by line, and the gods turn out to be just as foolish as humans. Today we bring in five major Greek gods and run an IQ test based on what they actually did.

Zeus, the almighty god who keeps making the same mistake

His wife Hera is the most jealous god of all, and Zeus knows it, yet he keeps pursuing mortal women. The pattern never changes. He gets caught every time, and every time there's a disaster.
Verdict: IQ 45. Practical intelligence almost unmeasurable.

Hera, anger management issues

Every time her husband cheats, Hera punishes not the culprit but the victim. She turned Callisto, who had been assaulted, into a bear, had the innocent Io chased by a gadfly, and sent a serpent to kill Leto so she couldn't even give birth. Her list of victims alone could fill a book of myths.
Verdict: IQ 60. Anger management close to zero.

Ares, the god of war who loses wars

Ares is the god of war. Yet when the mortal hero Diomedes, protected by Athena, hit him with a spear, he ran off screaming as if his guts were spilling out. When he came back for revenge, a rock thrown by Athena knocked him flat.
Verdict: IQ 35. Strength 100, tactical understanding nearly 0.

Apollo, the god of prophecy who can't do romance

Apollo gave the Trojan princess Cassandra the gift of seeing the future to win her over. When she turned him down, he cursed her: "Even when you predict the future perfectly, no one will believe you." Later, when the Greeks left behind a giant wooden horse, Cassandra warned, correctly, "There are soldiers hiding inside." No one believed her, and Troy fell. The god of prophecy couldn't foresee the future of his own love life.
Verdict: IQ 80, though his ability to apply it to his own life scores about 12.

Poseidon, sinks cities when he's angry

Poseidon competed with Athena to become patron god of Athens. Poseidon offered a saltwater spring, Athena offered an olive tree, and the citizens chose the olive. Poseidon's response to losing wasn't negotiation, it was a giant flood. Same with Odysseus: when Odysseus blinded his son Polyphemus, Poseidon blocked his journey home with storms and waves for ten years. Negotiation simply isn't in his vocabulary.
Verdict: IQ 50. Emotional control appears never to have been installed.

Final report card

Zeus: 45
Hera: 60
Ares: 35
Apollo: 80
Poseidon: 50

Average: 54