When Others Lose Out, We Really Do Feel Full
Korea has a proverb: "When your cousin buys land, your stomach aches." Turn it around and you get this: when others do well, your stomach aches, and when others fall, you feel full. It's uncomfortable to hear, but it's a fact confirmed by experiments.
A research team in Japan ran an experiment. They had people read stories about someone doing far better than them and scanned their brains. The brain regions that respond to physical pain lit up. The saying about your stomach aching turned out to be literally true.
It hurts even more when it's someone close. When a stranger gets rich, we shrug it off, but when a friend or coworker does well, it bothers us. That's because we compare ourselves.
That's why not everyone celebrates when you succeed. Some people belittle your achievements, make snide remarks, or quietly drift away. The more often you brag, the more this happens.
Luxury goods and expensive cars are a stronger kind of bragging than words. Words are said once and they're over, but a bag or a car brags every time someone sees it.
In fact, in an experiment in the Netherlands, people wearing clothes with a luxury logo got more help when they asked for favors and were treated better than those who didn't. With strangers, luxury goods work.
But it's a different story between people who are close. In a study in the United States, people thought they had to wear luxury brands to be liked when making new friends. Yet the other person actually wanted to be closer to the one dressed plainly. You were trying to look impressive, but the other person felt distance.
In the end, luxury goods and expensive cars earn you better treatment from strangers and stomachaches from the people close to you.
The same Japanese research team continued the experiment. This time they had people read that something bad had happened to that successful person. Now the brain regions that light up with pleasure when we eat something delicious responded. The more jealous people had been at first, the more pleased they were. As much as their stomach had ached, that much they now felt full.
In psychology, this feeling is called "Schadenfreude." It's a German word combining "harm" and "joy," and it means the satisfaction we feel when we see someone else's misfortune. When people watch others fall, they tend to feel that they themselves are doing relatively well and to refill their own sagging self-esteem. The brain experiments showed with our own eyes that this feeling really exists.
That's why reactions split when you open up about a failure. People who care about you will worry about you. But people who were competing with you may feel relief inside.
The same goes for you. When others fall, you may feel good without realizing it. That's a natural emotion. But you must not show it. If you laugh at someone's failure, they will remember it for a long time. And they will quietly turn their back on you.
A study in Germany gives us the answer. There are two equally successful people. One says, "It's because I'm naturally talented," and the other says, "It's because I worked hard." People wanted to pull the first one down. Toward the second, they felt, "I want to be like that too."
Amazingly, the Bible already said what this experiment found thousands of years ago. "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted" (Luke 14:11). When I exalt myself and brag, people want to pull me down out of jealousy. On the other hand, when I humble myself, people actually lift me up. The Bible has been teaching this truth about human relationships for a very long time.
So there's no need to hide your success. Just don't brag; talk about it calmly. Humility isn't lowering yourself to look like a nice person. It's the wisest way to avoid making a pointless enemy out of other people's jealousy and to keep what you've achieved safe to the end.
And when your own stomach aches, there's a way out too. The Bible says, "In humility count others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). If you regard others as better than yourself from the start, there's no reason for your stomach to ache when they do well, and no reason to gloat when they fall. It's the antidote to Schadenfreude.
When you look at people, you only need to remember one thing. Do they sincerely celebrate when you do well, and do they sincerely worry when you're struggling? The person who does both is truly on your side. On the other hand, if their jealousy goes too far and they hold you back or tear you down behind your back, then it's right to quietly keep your distance.
Read the original (Korean) →
1. When Others Do Well, It Really Hurts
A research team in Japan ran an experiment. They had people read stories about someone doing far better than them and scanned their brains. The brain regions that respond to physical pain lit up. The saying about your stomach aching turned out to be literally true.
It hurts even more when it's someone close. When a stranger gets rich, we shrug it off, but when a friend or coworker does well, it bothers us. That's because we compare ourselves.
That's why not everyone celebrates when you succeed. Some people belittle your achievements, make snide remarks, or quietly drift away. The more often you brag, the more this happens.
Luxury goods and expensive cars are a stronger kind of bragging than words. Words are said once and they're over, but a bag or a car brags every time someone sees it.
In fact, in an experiment in the Netherlands, people wearing clothes with a luxury logo got more help when they asked for favors and were treated better than those who didn't. With strangers, luxury goods work.
But it's a different story between people who are close. In a study in the United States, people thought they had to wear luxury brands to be liked when making new friends. Yet the other person actually wanted to be closer to the one dressed plainly. You were trying to look impressive, but the other person felt distance.
In the end, luxury goods and expensive cars earn you better treatment from strangers and stomachaches from the people close to you.
2. When Others Fall, You Really Do Feel Full
The same Japanese research team continued the experiment. This time they had people read that something bad had happened to that successful person. Now the brain regions that light up with pleasure when we eat something delicious responded. The more jealous people had been at first, the more pleased they were. As much as their stomach had ached, that much they now felt full.
In psychology, this feeling is called "Schadenfreude." It's a German word combining "harm" and "joy," and it means the satisfaction we feel when we see someone else's misfortune. When people watch others fall, they tend to feel that they themselves are doing relatively well and to refill their own sagging self-esteem. The brain experiments showed with our own eyes that this feeling really exists.
That's why reactions split when you open up about a failure. People who care about you will worry about you. But people who were competing with you may feel relief inside.
The same goes for you. When others fall, you may feel good without realizing it. That's a natural emotion. But you must not show it. If you laugh at someone's failure, they will remember it for a long time. And they will quietly turn their back on you.
3. Whoever Humbles Himself Will Be Exalted
A study in Germany gives us the answer. There are two equally successful people. One says, "It's because I'm naturally talented," and the other says, "It's because I worked hard." People wanted to pull the first one down. Toward the second, they felt, "I want to be like that too."
Amazingly, the Bible already said what this experiment found thousands of years ago. "For everyone who exalts himself will be humbled, and he who humbles himself will be exalted" (Luke 14:11). When I exalt myself and brag, people want to pull me down out of jealousy. On the other hand, when I humble myself, people actually lift me up. The Bible has been teaching this truth about human relationships for a very long time.
So there's no need to hide your success. Just don't brag; talk about it calmly. Humility isn't lowering yourself to look like a nice person. It's the wisest way to avoid making a pointless enemy out of other people's jealousy and to keep what you've achieved safe to the end.
And when your own stomach aches, there's a way out too. The Bible says, "In humility count others more significant than yourselves" (Philippians 2:3). If you regard others as better than yourself from the start, there's no reason for your stomach to ache when they do well, and no reason to gloat when they fall. It's the antidote to Schadenfreude.
When you look at people, you only need to remember one thing. Do they sincerely celebrate when you do well, and do they sincerely worry when you're struggling? The person who does both is truly on your side. On the other hand, if their jealousy goes too far and they hold you back or tear you down behind your back, then it's right to quietly keep your distance.
